Two and a half weeks ago, my boyfriend of over three years, who I loved entirely, who I lived and shared a life with, told me that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and that it was over.
In short, i was devastated. I had not seen this coming and thought we were as strong as we had ever been.
I went to stay back home in Yorkshire with my Mum for a week to get some distance and try and work through things in my mind. We’d never fight, we had everything in common and we had a good life for us. We live in a nice flat, we can afford a few treats a month and kissing him was still as magical as it had been all those years ago when we first met. I simply did not understand why he was wiling to give all that away without even trying to talk through things.
I cried a lot. I stayed in my room most of the time, I only really ate a proper meal every few days.I did not see the point in anything and was totally, completely and utterly broken.
I returned to our shared flat a week later exhausted in every aspect of the word. I saw all these things we shared, relics of a life I could no longer have. I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that was where he found me several hours later when he came home from work.
He had tears in his eyes and told me that this had been the worst week of his life and he held me so tightly and said he never wanted to let me go again. He said he would do anything he could to make things work and if it meant spending the rest of his life making things up to me, he would do it.
I told him I needed time. I wanted the relationship to work but he had hurt me so much and I needed to recover from that. But things were starting to improve. We went to the cinema, we laughed and joked, I’d started planning the meals I’d make this week and making a shopping list. Normal stuff. That was last Thursday.
Yesterday he sat me down and told me that he had been naive in what he had said and even if we sorted things out short term, long term we wanted different things and were never going to work out.
I have had my heart broken by the same person twice in less than three weeks and I am an absolute mess right now. Not only have I lost the person I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with, I have lost the life I have had for the last two years. I took a job in Buckinghamshire so he could move in with me and find a film job in London. I had a career, some of the best friends I have ever met and stability for what felt like the first time in my life.
I can’t afford to stay here by myself and he has made it very clear that there is no going back from it this time. I’m not sure if I’d let myself go back anyway. Unless I can find a job before September (almost impossible given the way teaching jobs are advertised in England), I’ll be moving hundreds of miles North to live back at home with my mother in a room that is too small for me, in a dying town that all but one of the friends I had there has moved on from.
There are going to be a lot of changes to my life in the next few months and weeks and I apologise if I stop updating peridically or just post stupid, whiny stuff I’m sorry. I have a lot to work through and I honestly feel as if a part of me is missing.
I just wanted to get it out there I guess. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading. I’d like to thank all of my followers, friends and anons for the asks I’ve been sent asking me how I was or what was wrong. I hope this has answered your questions.
Hope you are all well,