Miss Red Says

Sep 1, 2014

September 1st 2014

Today was a new start for me. The first day I have lived by myself, the first day I am officially unemployed, the first day where I woke up and had nothing ready for me. Today was the first day in my entire life where there wasn’t something. There has always been something. Work, school, college, university. There has always been a plan, a safety net. This is the first day I have ever faced where my future was uncertain and I didn’t have a handle on what my life was about.

Also, I got my period. Which sucks.

Today all my ex colleagues were back to school for an INSET day and I am both relieved and heartbroken I am not with them. I kept on telling myself that happiness is more important than job security, which is easy enough to say during the Summer when you’re meant  to be on your holidays, but today, when I should be at work, it’s hard to remember the many reasons I left the school, and hard to forget the many things I miss.

Today was the first day I knew he wouldn’t be walking back through the door. I have full access to the whole flat for the first time and it seems huge. I have no idea how I can fill it by myself. With things so uncertain at the moment I’m not sure I want to. I’d love to turn the alcove in the front room into a reading nook but what’s the point if I have to leave in October because I’ve run out of money and haven’t found any work.

The intention was always to devote today to job searching and contacting supply agencies but my lower back was so sore I could barely move. I wasted a day watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer in bed trying not to move and topping up on pain killers more often than is strictly advised. It’s almost 11 pm and I am exhausted but the pain radiating from my back is keeping me up.

Paddy would have made me hot chocolate and given me Eevee to cuddle and tried to make me laugh then tell me off for laughing because it made my back hurt more.

“Don’t laugh you’ll die!”

He always said that.

An Upside of living alone; there is no one in my residence to snap in the middle of the night and murder me in my sleep.

A downside of living alone; if a maniac or supernatural entity hell-bent on destruction sneaks in I have no one to act as a distraction while I execute my escape plan.

On the plus side I’ve not really been able to eat today so hopefully that will help fuel my weight loss efforts. I am certain to have put on a mass during the summer. Comfort eating and not being able to use the kitchen because Paddy had custody of the front rooms meant my diet since July has mainly been ready made or snack based. I think now I’m feeding just myself I’m going to try get into bulk cooking and freezing leftovers again. Cooking has always been something I’ve enjoyed but I lost that over the last two months. As well as my interest in most things.

I’ll allow today for reflection. Tomorrow, the job hunts and sorting of life will begin.

Probably.

Hopefully.

Sep 1, 2014

Happy September 1st everyone!

Happy September 1st everyone!

Aug 31, 2014

I had a bookcase that was taller than I was and it was full to bursting. You left and took your belongings with you. What was left barely covered half a shelf. 

Maybe its a metaphor for our relationship. 

Aug 31, 2014

Miss Red Says

Anonymous said: *hugs*

*doesn’t let go*

Aug 31, 2014

Today, my ex finally moved out. This is the first time I have ever lived in a place by myself.
The flat is empty. I feel emptier. I thought things were starting to get better.
My mum hasn’t returned my calls.
This place is too big.

Aug 29, 2014

I made cinnamon buns for the first time!

I made cinnamon buns for the first time!

Aug 27, 2014

There is an emptiness in my chest that alcohol cannot fill.
There is a heavyness where most people have hearts. There is space running through my veins.
Where once there was hope there is now a void.
I am disintegrating from the inside out and all I can do is await a breeze to scatter me.

Aug 17, 2014

Road trip Stay-cation day 3: Whitby

Aug 17, 2014

Makeover from an 18 month old. I look beautiful.

Makeover from an 18 month old. I look beautiful.

Aug 17, 2014

Stay-cation day one and two. Nothing like your friend dragging you on an impromptu road trip to work through a broken heart.